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Life is a funny thing. Once in a while and especially in times of transition, I start reflecting on my life and everything it is shaped by. During these sessions of thought, I can get a bit melancholic and sad, with many things popping up in my head. It gives me ease to share them with others, and this blog post intends to do so.

I've been thinking quite a lot about my view on life lately, mainly because right now, I see it changing every day. However, whichever perception of life I got this year, I bet it will be outdated the next. It always is. My last year's view on life also greatly differs from what I think and believe in at the moment. Especially when I try to label my current perception as the final one, I can't be more wrong. New features are added and removed all the time, and this movement doesn't stop at a specific point. The personality of humans grows with their age. Although it may be everyone's dream to stay forever young, nobody will fancy the idea of having the mind of a 20-year-old when your real age is actually double (you certainly won't have their drinking capabilities anymore). The most important thing is just staying yourself. Honesty and truthfulness are the only things that matter when choosing your life perspective. If you don't feel comfortable the way you live your life, you do something wrong. Do you want too much out of life? Do you want more? Can you have more? Answer these questions in an honest way, and choosing your life perspective will be an easier task.

It took a while for me to adapt a view on life that I was comfortable with. I didn't know what I wanted out of life, let alone how to get it. I had no idea which opportunities to grasp, where to find and how to seize them. The reason for this may have been the social struggle which I found myself in only a couple of years back. I didn't really have many true friends, didn't really fit in, didn't really know how to behave among people. It became better over the years, but it was a long and painful process. However, the first time I was really content with my social performance was last year, and now, I try to hard to continue the run. That's the reason why I was hurt a bit by a recent comment of a fellow exchange student mentioning that I seem a bit like a loner. I thought I was doing a pretty good job socially, finally being open-minded enough to talk to everybody without reservations. Granted, I might be looking at my smartphone too often when it's socially inappropriate and it is true that I like to be alone at times and can't stand to be with people 24/7. However, none of these things should give the slightest hint of me not wanting to be with people. Enjoying your own company once in a while is not to be confused with unsocial behaviour. I know the difference in feelings of not caring to be with people and simply wanting to have some quiet moments by yourself. It's just as necessary to have the silent moments as it is to have the crazy ones. The right balance is important. People who know themselves well will come across as much more confident. That's why that comment came as surprising and puzzling, leaving me searching and browsing for its meaning ever since. It seems that because of my history, remarks like this one act as my Achilles' heel.

Today, still, I am sometimes unsure where I am staying in life. I am torn by different opinions and easily influenced by other people. Often, I see other people do something and expect the same, done by me, to live up to a certain standard. Most times when I do so, it turns out to be not quite as good. Sometimes, I tend to turn to people who seem to enjoy the same activities I like for a sort of guidance and, subsequently, I try to imitate their schedules. That, my dear friends, is a horrible strategy. How in the world should this ever make you content with your own performance? There will always be people who have more social connections, be more active or study more. Mirroring them is a sign of giving up your own personality. Only when you do it in an unspoiled way, you'll be able to create your personal and therefore the best experience.

This, of course, doesn't imply that you should ignore your social environment. If you define your personality entirely on your own, you will miss out on other people's input. It's not too bad to pick raisins and add the frosting by yourself. There's nothing wrong with adding a character trait you like in others to your personality. Diverse inputs keep life happy, interesting and - most important - running. Spending time with the same never-changing group of people can result in a monotonously shaped personality. Believe me; the "been there, done that" principle applies for me on that.

I have also been giving some thought to the topic of happiness. When can you say that you are really content? Maybe you can't, for it's just a snapshot of your mind. Maybe it's those moments where your thoughts don't focus on what to change in your life or don't sweep back to the "good old days". My personal happiness in different chapters of life becomes an issue especially when a major change occurs (usually a change of place). It is a comparison of social situations that takes place soon after the move itself - first Toronto, then Linz, now Taipei. Whenever I enter a new environment, I automatically start comparing it to the previous one, considering social connections, overall experience and the like in my judgement. The new environment always loses this comparison, making me feel unhappy and in an urge to move away. In a normal progress of thoughts, rational thinking should appear at this point and dismiss those vicious thoughts. Which doesn't always happen, of course. It didn't happen for Toronto, the reason being that I haven't been quite ready for that adventure abroad. It took a long time to happen for Linz. Also for Taipei, one side of my thoughts still rests on Austria. Unfortunately, I can't help having these notions, but at least I don't let them interfere with my overall perception.

Said overall perception, by the way, is still a positive one. After more than 2 months, initial excitement was suppressed by work though, but also everyday life in Taipei isn't particularly bad. Nevertheless, new thoughts are making their way in my head again: had I chosen a semester rather than a year, would I prolong my stay? I honestly couldn't tell, mostly because I am here for a year. On the one hand, I enjoy being here; on the other hand, I have been here and seen quite a few things, why not go back? These thoughts - frequently uninvited guests - make my life sometimes arduous and wearisome to live. Letting go of them is hard. Music helps: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KId5R_f-YI. My first thought after this divine tune: It doesn't matter where you live, you can have a good time everywhere.

Let the closing words be of positive nature: The best has already happened. The best is yet to happen. The best is happening right now. I'm eager to meet everything and everyone awesome out there that I haven't met. There is no tomorrow and no yesterday, just today. Instead of wasting your precious energy on desperately trying to answer "what if" questions, better concentrate it on "how awesome" exclamations. Instead of not acknowledging what you got and always comparing it against a better thing, just think of how blessed you are. As long as you don't stop dreaming, you have something to believe in.

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me
that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school,
they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand
the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." 

(John Lennon)

Left without words,

Martin

-where I belong