Thought Production

There are so many thoughts in my head that I can't process them all at the same time. I have to write them down, share them, let them nourish within other people's minds. They help me transcend boundaries imposed by myself and society. Transition and change, after all, keep us up and running.

All too often, I pose myself questions to the likes of "why are the others having a better time than me" or "why do they have more social interaction". The latter just recently applied when I realized that I don't know as many Taiwanese people as I'd like to. Everyone who knows more Taiwanese people than me suddenly becomes a potential figure to look up to and be imitated. Which, in turn, makes me feel bad about myself. Furthermore - and this is the first time I'm actually taking the courage to admit this - I frequently get the feeling that my life is not that great when I believe I've missed out on something (like a party or a concert). This might be one of the reasons why I'm always on the move - I just can't stand not having done something that any of my friends already have. Sometimes, I do things just to get them ticked off on an imaginary list, which doesn't do any good and is no fun either. I know that I seriously need to go back to doing things because I enjoy them, not because I have to prove something to someone. My life won't be diminished by not having done something. It's diminished by worrying about just that.

I also have troubles letting go. I feel that I carry around a pile of worries and troubles with me all the time. Deliberately forgetting those vicious thoughts has an amazingly liberating effect to it. Life is more enjoyable without useless burdens. Not everything has to be perfect. For many things, just their imperfection makes them enjoyable. Accepting little flaws as part of life makes life flawless. Adopting this kind of thinking in the course of the last couple of years made me less anxious, less stressed. Previously, I liked things because they were perfect. Nowadays, I like them just because.

Another issue I wouldn't mind getting rid of is biased anticipation. Don't get me wrong, it's absolutely acceptable to be looking forward to something. In the end, this anticipation is sometimes even better than the anticipated event. The problem I am facing, however, is the time between the announcement of an event and the event itself (which could be a concert, a flight or basically anything). The strong anticipation I have renders my current situation little more than time to be bypassed until said occasion, making those moments boring and not worthy of experience. This notion couldn't be further from what should be: the current moment also has a right of being lived to the fullest. The future and the past are just mind concepts - the only thing happening now is this moment.

Since you are reading this year's last blog entry, I'd like to include some closing words. Although the 42 previous blog posts thoroughly tell the story of 2011 from the beginning to the end, none of them can grasp the sheer incredibility that has been this best of years. Not even the sum of all the words written, all the pictures taken and all the sentences spoken can live up to the plain awesomeness of these past 360 days. I was frequently rendered speechless. Many dreams came true. And, most importantly, I feel that 2011 served as the biggest step into the right direction so far. I have a plan for life, and won't let anything stand between me and happiness. In the end, there's only one thing left to say: make it twelve.

Yours,
Martin